The Weary Crown of Morning

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The jarring, insistent shriek,
An alarm clock’s metallic cry,
Assaults the fragile morning’s peace,
A painful echo in the sky
Of my dark skull. I groan, a sound
Instantly swallowed by the deep,
Heavy silence all around,
I try to meld back into sleep.

A cruel hand pulls, a rhythmic beat,
From sleep’s warm, velvet, soft embrace,
It snatches me, with sudden heat,
And leaves my heart against my face.
My eyes fly open, dark and blank,
Staring up at the ceiling’s shade,
My body, safe within the bank
Of blankets, a fortress I have made.

But now the cold kiss starts to creep,
A sharp, unwelcome morning chill,
That pricks the skin I cannot keep
Beneath the covers, lying still.
With weariness, I fight the day,
The first act: pull the fabric high,
To hide, to make the light away,
And plunge into a private sky.

No. It can’t possibly be now,
Time is a thief that steals the night,
I want to vanish, somehow,
From all the expectations of the light.
Just lie here, a statue, breathing low,
Letting my mind drift, free and wide,
Back to the quiet dreams I know,
A ghost the sheets completely hide.

This is my refuge, warm and deep,
A sanctuary I’ll not leave,
While outside, light and noises sleep.
I am a vessel that will receive
A torrent of chaotic thought,
The doubt, the list, the sudden spark,
In this brief silence, dearly bought,
Before the world steps from the dark.

But then, the quiet starts to fade,
A deep, weary settling down:
Alas, the rising must be made.
Each day, a loop, a weary crown.
I run a race that has no end,
Against the clock, against demands,
A weight that bends, and still must bend.
I shove the covers with both hands.

The only prize, the only true
Reprieve, is time, unscheduled, pure:
To take a day, a week or two,
With only my children, to be sure.
No emails, bosses, or cruel stress,
Just me and my kids, simple, slow,
Wrapped in the light of quietness.
That is the only finish line I know.

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A Cruel Trick as I crawl From Bed

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The clock taunts, an hour ahead,
A cruel trick as I crawl from bed.
The world outside, still draped in night,
Mocks my yawn with unwelcome light.

The weight of sleep, a stolen hour,
Replaced by shadows’ fading power.
My body protests, a sluggish groan,
Time’s shift a burden, all my own.

Coffee’s brew, a tempting scent,
A promise of energy yet unspent.
But eyelids droop, a weary fight,
The day feels endless, bathed in light.

The birdsong mocks, a morning choir,
While I yearn for slumber, just a sliver more.
This springtime shift, a yearly plight,
To adjust my rhythm to stolen light.

But slowly, surely, the fog will clear,
The body yielding, dispelling fear.
The day unfolds, a brand new start,
Though sleep’s sweet memory tugs at my heart.

Morning and I Don’t Want to Wake

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The morning calls, a gentle whisper,
Yet still I linger, half asleep.
The sun shines bright, the birds are singing,
But still I cannot rise to keep.

I know I must, I have things to do,
But oh, the warmth of this soft bed!
The covers are so cozy,
And I could just stay here instead.

But no, I must get up, I must face the day.
The world is waiting for me,
And I cannot hide away forever.

So I take a deep breath, and I open my eyes.
The sun is shining brighter now,
And the birds are singing even louder.

I know it will be a good day,
Even if I’m a little sleepy.
After all, there’s nothing like a challenge
To wake you up and get you going.

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Sleep

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The night is long and still,
The stars are out and bright,
But I can’t seem to sleep,
My mind is filled with fright.

I worry about the day,
The things I have to do,
The things I said or did,
The things I didn’t do.

I worry about the future,
The things that may befall,
The things I can’t control,
The things I can’t recall.

I lie awake and stare,
At the ceiling far above,
I try to count sheep,
But they all seem to move.

I close my eyes and pray,
For sleep to come my way,
But all I hear is silence,
And all I feel is pain.

I know that I will sleep,
Eventually, I will,
But for now, I’m just awake,
And I can’t seem to will.

So I’ll lie here in the dark,
And worry about the day,
And hope that sleep will come,
Before the morning light.

Nightmares

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The night is dark and full of terrors,
The sleep that comes is fitful and full of fear.
The demons of my past come to haunt me,
The monsters of my mind come to tear me apart.

I wake up screaming, my heart racing,
My body drenched in sweat, my breath coming in gasps.
I try to go back to sleep, but I can’t,
The memories of the nightmare are too fresh.

I lie there in the darkness, afraid to close my eyes,
Afraid of what I might see.
I try to think of happy thoughts, but it’s no use,
The nightmares are too powerful.

I finally get out of bed and go to the kitchen,
I make myself a cup of tea and try to calm down.
I know that the nightmares will come back,
But I also know that I can’t let them control me.

I have to face my fears, I have to overcome them,
I have to learn to live with them.
I can’t let them keep me from sleeping,
I can’t let them keep me from living my life.

So I take a deep breath and close my eyes,
I try to relax and let go of the fear.

Insomnia

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The night is here, yet here I sit
With eyes that would not close,
And thoughts that wander through my head
And will not let me doze.

My mind is tired, my body tired,
And yet I cannot sleep;
I feel as though I've been on guard
For days without a break.

The worries of the day are gone,
But still I cannot rest;
I feel as though there's something more
That I must do, or else.

I know not what it is, but still
It haunts me to the core;
It keeps me from my bed, and keeps
My mind from wandering o'er.

I'll try to sleep, but I know well
That sleep will not come soon;
I'll try to rest, but I know well
That rest will not be won.

So here I sit, with eyes that would
Not close, and thoughts that wander on,
And I will sit until the dawn
And then I'll try again to sleep.

The Morning

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THE MORNING
The alarm resounds in my head, and I grumble and moan.
It pulls me from my slumber with a start.
My blankets wrapped around me keeping me warm as the cold morning air hits me.

I pull the covers over my head.
It can’t be morning already.
I want to hide from everyone and everything.
Just lay and look up at the ceiling and dream.

I want to hide from the world and pull the blankets closer.
The cold morning air wakes me, but I retreat under the covers.
Never leave the warmth and safety of the bed
Just lay and look up at the ceiling and dream.

I lay alone with all my thoughts,
The quiet in the morning
No one expecting anything from me
In this quiet time, oh the thoughts that come

Alas I must rise, each day the same
Running a race that never ends

Let me pull the covers back over my head.
The race never ends, just to take some days alone with my kids.
No work, no stress, just me and my kids.

I give up on sleep!

I give up on sleep!

I give up on sleep.  I have tried and failed.  My son Van is up every two hours to eat.  He sleeps a lot during the day, which is frustrating because he sister is up all day.  This makes for one tired mommy.  I was breastfeeding up until a few days ago.  During this time, I walked through life like a zombie.  In dire need of caffeine, I decided to go to formula.  Now I was going to go to formula soon anyway, because I won’t be able to breast feed while at work, but this is a little earlier than I planned on.  I feel bad, because I know that breast milk is the best for the baby, but I was not able to pay attention to anything else.

 Despite the long nights, that beast feeding had to offer, it takes a toll on your body as well.  I could not figure out why I was so tired.  I know people who have gone back to work right after having a baby and I can’t figure out how they do it.  My husband told me, that most people do not have c-section.  He said, “They inflicted a mortal wound on you, and then they stitched you up and gave you a baby to take care of.  So you are healing, and breast feeding.” 

Now that I am using formula, my husband can help me feed Van a little but.  Honestly, it is still mostly me.  At least I can have coffee now!  My daughter has also been very mommy needy lately.  I feel bad that I can’t give her all the attention she wants.  I know that she has to get used to it, but today I was feeding Van and Zelda was screaming.  She was just screaming for attention, but it made mommy very sad.  How am I going to do this when I go back to work?  I don’tI have the option to stay home, which would be awesome if I did have that option.  I carry the family health insurance, and needless to day, we need the money.  I have decided not to go back to my part-time job.  I haven’t told them yet.  By not working there, it will give me some extra time with the kids. 

Okay well it is five in the morning and the baby is up.  Time for mommy to make some coffee.